Horny the unicorn (Lower your expectations ladies and gentlemen)
by RustyBuckets
Summary: This is a dumb idea that popped into my head, so fill up the reviews with flames and let it BURN. It's about a character somewhat similar to Pinkie Pie (But much more inappropriate) that happens to be sick of cliche human in Equestria themes, and gives himself a totally original name while the other ponies think he's protesting about something and cheers him on.
1. Chapter 1

Seriously, there is nothing good here. It's just a dumb idea that popped in my head.

Dirt.

Nature's middle finger to anyone who was intoxicated enough to get a mouthful.  
Unfortunately for that guy you clicked on HE got a mouthfull.

And he wasn't even drunk.

So begins a fever dream of a fanfiction, brought to you by: Yours truly, Frozen (over), Chuck Borris, Akumokagetsu (Heh, I wish), and that expensive prostitute down the street who says she'll do anything but doesn't do a Damn thing.

So anywho, this douchebag got a mouthful of dirt and he is so unamused it may rival a cat picture.

"Thwee owut oft ten" He stated

Even though brown was quite a color, he was worried it may affect his GORGEOUS yellow teeth. So he spat it out like gum when it loses it's flavor, even though it still had it's detailed flavor. Actually it was so detailed, he could taste anyone and anything that walked on it.

He could taste what year it was, how often it rained, the nearest life forms, even who did their dirty things (No pun intended).

But I never said it was good tastin'.

He puked.

So after many minutes of counting how much pounds of chinese noodles he ate yesterday, he actually began to observe his surroundings.

"Green green green green brown blue grey white. That's too much for me to process... KITTENS! Ok now I'm good"

So even though it was early in the morning, he didn't rise to the street, nor did anyone light him up a cigarette as he strapped shoes on his feet...

Probably because he didn't have feet.

This didn't faze him much, because he's been in worse situations. like the time he forgot to capitalize the 'L' at the beginning of this sentence.

He looked at himself through a convenient mirror labeled 'Convenient mirror' with the trademark symbol next to it and began to study himself intently.

"Let's be honest here, nobody cares what I look like, nor do they want a description of me that they will forget later in the story. So the best way to describe moi is to get a base picture of a pony, click that paint can thingy and splash me in white, then bada-boom you got one hunk of a horse."

"Actually, you know what? F*ck formalities, f*ck details, f*ck cliche OC's, f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck. Oh and also F*CK NEIL KLASKOVSKY!

He stood on top of a rather large boulder and pierced the clouds of heaven with his roar.

"NO MORE SLOW PACED BEGINNINGS-" Multiple animals began to form a thick crowd around him.

"NO MORE SILLY STORYLINES- It seemed he attracted the attention of the most deadliest creatures in Human In Equestria stories, the Timber wolf.

"NO MORE OVERUSED THEMES-" And like that, the Timber wolves were gone.

"I SHAN'T BE KNOWN AS JEAN THE VIDEO GAME PIMP-" He had attracted some hiking ponies who had thought he was a wounded animal crying for it's mother only to be met with this.

"NOR SHALL I BE KNOWN AS SUNFLOWER THE HUMAN AMBASSADOR-" Many ponies have gathered around this man, some whispering quietly amongest themselves, others just arriving asking what's going on.

"I SHALL BE KNOWN AS..." All the ponies and animals holding their breath in anticipation, even the frogs who had their throats bloated with oxygen.

"HORNY"

"THE"

"UNICORN!"

All the ponies and animals stomped their appendages on the dewed grass and cheered as loud as their cute little throats would allow them.

Among the crys of inspired horses, one particular aged pony climbed onto the rock which occupied the newly deemed "Horny the unicorn", and raised his hoof into the air similar to one would to a victorious wrestler and shouted

"I MAYOR MARE NOW DECLARE THIS STALLION'S NEW NAME TO BE: HORNY THE UNICORN! IT IS NOW OFFICIAL!"

The cheers of approval only ascended to window shattering levels as the mayor pushed poor Horny into the crowd of magical talking horses and carried him off.

"CARRY THIS NEW STALLION TO HIS RIGHTFUL HOME WHICH WILL BE PAID FOR WITH TOTALLY NOT YOUR TAX MONEY!"

The cheers stopped for a moment before continuing to carry the man off to his new home.

"Note to self, keep ramblings to myself...Also note to self, when in doubt, and in a forest, name yourself after your random boner."

My god... I just read it and I realized how stupid it is... well you only live once (Clicks enter while covering eyes).


	2. Chapter 2

Huh.

That was all what was going through this guy's mind. Of course you can't blame him after he got a new house after 'protesting' about the name law, because apparently there's a rule about what to name your child depending on your parents name.

William and Eris didn't count though.

So references to the BEST DAMN AUTHOR TO EVER TREAD THE FANFICION SITE aside, let's actually try to progress the plot.

They thought he was some kind of name messiah so they gave him a free house, because that's the pony way.  
After BORING paperwork he's now sitting in his one room house scanning through his "reference shelf' to amuse you.

"My Little Dashie... a twist in fate... Half Life 3... THERE'S NOTHING GOOD HERE!"

After that he decided to go outside and breath in that artifical air. Whilst going outside he stopped just outside the door and realized he forgot to put his pants on!

"Silly me I forgot my horn pants on!"

I just said that you douchebag... Anywho he went back and looked through his drawer even though they gave him no furniture except that reference shelf and contemplating chair.

"Hmm time to go shopping!"

Then he magically gave himself shopping bags because f*ck you. Unfortunately he still had no horn pants and had to play 'LOOK AWAY, I FORGOT MY PANTS!' He then broke through his window because glass is good for the skin.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 'GASP' hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I know! I'll eat dirt dirt to gain knowledge!"

Why? Because f*ck you that's why.

"I'll have to make big boss proud by eating snakes and hiding in boxes even though that's Solid Snake's thing. Why?  
You should know why."

So since I can't make a good traveling scene I'll just get to the interesting parts.

He came across a path that seperated him and that boutique place. Luckily during the very important awesome plot changing travel he had that you have to read to understand the rest of the story, he picked up a few tricks.

He jumped in the air, twisting and flipping while wearing sunglasses with his golden teeth spelling out SWAG as he descended while wearing a pimp coat as 50 hoe's straddled him from every angle physically possible.

In the end the just belly flopped in the middle of the road.

So as he rised with the grace of a drunkard, he saw the enterance and decided it was too conspicuious and the window was the best idea.

So he saw some well placed 'grow your own home invasion vines' and planted them, about a year later they were done.  
He climbed the vines and tumbled through a 2nd story window, landing with a splash. He looked to his right to find that the bathtub was occupied by a white unicorn with purple hair (Take a guess).

So he gave her a friendly neighborhood greeting.

"Hi I'm Horny!"


	3. Long and Juicy

Prison

It sucks but doesn't swallow.

I'm implying that it's dirty.

My cell had a feeling of despair and depression, with it's grey stone walls and stained beds. It seemed to always drip with water even though it hadn't rained for a while. Yet it had a feeling of calmness from it's cold loving embrace, that soothed even the most traumatized of souls who were disgusted with themselves from their own horrible acts. Just from the smell you can tell that most ponies weren't aiming for the toilet, and you can easily tell from that observation most prisoners were too drunk to even tell what their cutie mark was.

"Reminds me of my childhood room." Horny said aloud.

Well... Shit that got dark. Oh well could've been worse!

"My orphan childhood room."

Crap... Oh well could've been worse?

"The same room in which I shared with a guy who likes being called 'Uncle'."

DAMN IT HORNY!

"We had to take showers together to save water."

Motherf-

"It was in California and since our air conditioner was broken, we couldn't wear many clothes."

I'm... Gonna take a hot shower.

"Don't drop the soap!"

"Just you and me internet peoples! Oh wait, hold on. I ALSO DIDN'T GET A EDUMACATION!"

SHUT UP!

"ALRIGHT NOW TH- OH WAIT. Sorry caps lock. Alright now that I'm here I should actually do something!

Press 'A' to do something!

PRESS IT!

Horny then slammed his head against the wall because if I don't add details this chapter will be super short!

With the force of a demi-god Horny put all his energy in his legs, causing his to move at unbelievable (1 mile per hour) speeds. Holding his breath, he tightly closed his eyes to try to reduce the amount of pain that was coming even though he knew it wouldn't work. At last his head connected to the wall like a fanboy's eyes with a new Harry Potter book. The pain was unbelievable. It came in spurts like when you do when you smash your finger. The throbbing pain only not on a tiny finger, but against his head! The pain! OH GLOB THE PAIN! Luckily he had a knack for surviving blows to the head, but hee didn't caare. Aaallll heeee carrrrrred abouuuut wassss savvvving Elisabethhhh froooom Comstooock...

That... was quite a show.

Princess Celestia stood by the cell from which this new pony, 'Horny', occupied expecting a explanation from the culprit himself about the home invasion But instead found this. When the princess arrived she found the element of generosity wailing about her home being too easily infiltrated and something about 'adding more firepower to the windows'. Rarity then told Celestia about the ruffian and how he got in, earning a confused look when telling Celestia when she subdued him she found a fresh batch of vines on the side of her house. That peaked her interest as next to the boutique was a stand used for making decorative vines, 'For those times when you need a vine, come on down to Home Invasion vines!' was their apparent motto. Ironically the vines weren't used for home invasion, but to stop home invasion. The system was to make the house look abandoned so house burglars would think that nothing valueable was inside and keep them away. The vines weren't enchanted so it would take years for vines to grow and that's why the stand was unpopular, yet Horny used them in less than a minute... When Celestia was informed of this she was utterly befuddled. It was impossible for unicorn to alter the growth of living things! Not even Discord could do that! The only way Discord did what he did was he teleported different objects from multiple different worlds and placed them in Equestria, over the grass, in the sky, ect. But never did he physically alter something. Her apprentice, Twilight Sparkle, even though it seemed she transformed an apple into an orange (Also the frog, poor creature) she was merely swapping the apple via teleporting.

That was just one mystery.

While Horny was being interrogated by the royal guard, Horny started mentioning names of ponies he never met. Such as: Lyra Heartstrings, Berry Punch,  
and even the guard himself! Horny then started naming his daily schedule, his habits, his fears, everything! The poor guard was soon confirmed for paranoia after he was found huddled up by the corner, crying, and saying "I'vebeenwatchedwatchedwatchedtheyknoweverythinghelphelphelphelpohCelestiawhyme thecakeisaliehowdotheyknowmemakeitstopSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPwitnessestoomanywitnessesmusttuckinwitnessesmakethemsleephappy I'msohappylalalallalallateehee"

Horny himself was smiling.

When they investigated his house, they found broken glass and assumed there was a break-in and Horny was getting help. When questioned, he simply said "Doors are overrated. Now where's my Rocky Road?"

So after that he was sent in cell block 'FU' and has been there ever since.

When Celestia found Horny he was talking to himself moving from the toilet side of the room to the bed side of the room as he switched between personas.  
Saying stuff like "DAMN IT HORNY!" and "DON'T DROP THE SOAP!" it appeared like Horny was monologuing rather than talking. During his monologue the narrator (That's what we'll call him) wanted to take a shower. During that time Horny wanted to do something so he, I kid you not, slammed his head against the wall.

So now he's in the hospital.

Yay.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Horny woke up with a start, looking at where he was he let out a sigh of relief.

"Crazy arse dream."

He was back at his house, not injured. He thought about his dream, before shrugging.

"Meh. Too tired to think."

He recalled yesterdays events after he was released from prison by tall white horsie. He had to do her a favor to repay her bailing him out, which was him apparently getting some 'Friendchips' and 'Mag-sticks', for a party. It may have been snacks for an upcoming party, but Horny wasn't really paying attention,  
he was replacing tall horsies words with Sublime's Garden Grove. Luckily he figured out he needed to get something at least.

So tomorrow he had one objective.

"Get some Friendchips and mag-sticks."


End file.
